I tore my ACL.

I’m waiting for an MRI and started rehab.
I don’t expect to play sports for months.

⏸️ volleyball, climbing, surfing, snowboarding, and… Ultimate.
▶️ rehab, renovations, baking, painting, gliding, and pottery.

I have a deep-seated fear of injury.
I’ve bailed, quit, and given in when I might be remotely close to the risk of injury.
I am so afraid of the moment I am at right now.

I’m afraid of the feelings of pain, shooting or aching waves through my body.
I’m afraid of the pitying looks that I am less than.
I’m afraid of not being able-bodied, my independence taken away from me, replaced with a feeling of helplessness until someone sees me and takes the time to do something for me.
I’m afraid of missing out on the joy, adrenaline, challenge, and fun of able-bodied play, the endorphic drug of sport.

Yet here I am.

One week into walking twice as slow as I usually do, short-tempered, waking up from dreams of running and jumping, and a fading part of me holding onto unrealistic hope that my knee will decide to be just fine.

It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

The moment of injury was more shock than true pain.

I’m genuinely excited for the time to do other things relegated to “when I wind down Ultimate”.

I’m surprised by how many have been through a knee injury, and I feel supported in the community (I got a lot of tips! See footnotes).¹

I feel strong, and I feel stronger every day, with bursts of pride & gratitude at my body’s resilient recovery.

Now that I’m here, exactly where I am afraid of, I realize that the pursuit is worth it. I often ask myself what are the limits I’ll go to pursue these dreams, how far and hard should I push myself, and what are my boundaries? Risk of injury will always be present; an occupational hazard if you will. Pursuing dreams is a question of doing so despite that fear, and each step is one in facing that fear.

Now that I’m here, I realize it’s nothing I can’t handle. Taking it day by day with really really slow steps.

---

1. My physiotherapist and other medical professionals offered me this advice in my current situation.
   I’m not a medical professional, and this isn’t meant to be medical advice for you. You should always consult a medical professional to get the best care for you.
   
   Do your rehab everyday.
   
   The goal is to get to “quiet knee” for quality of life which is:
   No pain
   No swelling
   Comfortable walking gait
   Full flexion
   Full extension
   
   There’s a relatively new non-graft ACL surgery called BEAR surgery – Bridge enhanced ACL repair.
   
   Continuous icing machines can be helpful for initial swelling and post-operation.
   
   Pool rehab and the leg press machine are excellent for movement and maintaining leg strength.
   
   MRIs in Canada can take a while – call to be put on the cancellation list and ask for which days they tend to have no shows. You could take the chance and go in and sit in the waiting room for the day and ask for them to provide you with your MRI if there is no-show. There is not enough time to have someone come in from the cancellation list when there is a no-show so you might get lucky.
   
   Make sure you have your own copy of the x-ray imaging in case you get bounced around to different providers. ↩︎

This is my 3rd season as captain of Union.

5th season as a Unionite, 7th season of club, 10+ years of chasing plastic.

I’ve had my fair share of highs & lows with Ultimate: achey niggles, training I don’t want to do, and gut wrenching losses.

On the flip side, jaw dropping plays, memorable road trips, and triumphant wins.

Through competitive sport, I realized I strive for excellence in all domains of life.

𝐈 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐨𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞.

So powerful was this realization that I shaped my life mission similarly:

𝙄 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙥𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙚𝙭𝙘𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 & 𝙗𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩.

• I facilitate opportunities to compete in Ultimate.

• I invest in others’ growth & development.

I will set my whole self up for success – mind, body, heart – so that I can fully invest into myself and into others.

I had a fateful conversation with a friend a few years ago. They said, “I want to compete for as long as my body allows me to.” I know there will come a time when my mind & heart are willing, but my body is not. Until that moment, I am grateful for the privilege to compete at the highest levels.

I tour because I’ve watched others play with grace, intelligence, athleticism, and humility and think, that could be me.

I tour because I want to set the bar higher for Ultimate and challenge those around me.

I tour because I don’t know any other sport comparable to Ultimate.

*A revision of ‘Why do I tour‘ written in March 2017

a juxtaposition of adrenaline & tranquility

I recently realized I crave adrenaline, and sport was usually my way to fulfill that hole.

Sprinting, chasing plastic, dripping sweat in the hot sun,
cheering as teammates or opponents make a play.

I crave the foot race to an under. Juking out my defender, anticipating my match up and intercepting the pass. I miss joking on the sideline and running around on the field with no qualms about life.

It’s not just adrenaline alone – it’s the juxtaposition, the simultaneous presence of adrenaline and peace.

It’s the tranquility found in the breathless moments of physical and mental exertion, alongside the cacophony of voices and footfalls across fields as far as the eye can see.

To slip into a flow state is to be fully immersed in the present moment. My mind subconsciously calculates multiple factors at once: wind speed, humidity, the 13 players sharing the field with me, and minute strategic assumptions.
I take a step, make a throw,
consciously,
purposefully.

I miss Ultimate, as Blue said, with every fibre of my being.
An Ultimate-sized hole in my life.

Originally written June 3, 2019 as a private journal entry.

You could breathe in excitement. Taste it.

The chattering. Murmur of hundreds in the stands, locals and internationals alike.
The stadium lights spotlit the fields. We are the showcase, we are the entertainment.

I remember looking around in awe – that I was here, playing Revolution in Medellin in front of a huge crowd.

I felt the weight of the years I have been playing, training, reading and learning that brought me to this point. I felt equal with my incredible teammates as we geared up to face one of the best clubs of all time (2018 WUCC Finalists, 2018 US Open Finalists, and later that year, 2019 US Open Finalists and 2019 PUL Champions).

And what a game it was! We scored 6 on them & gave them a fight.

That’s all I wrote for this entry. (: One day I will add to how this tournament experience is my current #1.

Special shout out my Black Widow sister, Rica, for founding the team and inviting me to this amazing tournament, Torneo Eterna Primavera.

BlackWidows in TepColombia

!Black Widows en Colombia!Nos visitaron desde #Filipinas y se llevaron una gran experiencia que marcó sus vidas. Jugadoras de diferentes lugares en Asia se dieron cita en el TEP Colombia para competir al mas alto nivel femenino del mundo. Se van enamoradas de nuestro país. -Blackwidows es el primer equipo élite de mujeres asiáticas que defienden la diversidad a través de la visibilidad Desde la LíneaDisfruta de todo nuestro contenido exclusivo en www.desdelalinea.com ..#desdelalínea #tepcolombia #blackwidows #asianplayers #medellin #desdelalíneajuntos #ultimatechampionship #frisbee #colombia #fielesdesdelalínea #luna

Posted by Desde la Línea on Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Or embracing failure

Originally written August 19, 2019 as a journal entry to share with the team.

THIS IS IT. Nationals in 3 days.

The time to lay it all on the line, what we’ve been building for… every tournament, every throwing session, every training session, every practice, every decision & sacrifice to make ourselves a better competitor, athlete, player & teammate.

I am so impressed with how this team has come together – challenging & supporting each other, and demanding nothing short of excellence. Throwing & workouts, film review & discussion, an Instagram group chat… You’ve all made this team something to be proud of.

These next 60 hours are key to prepping yourself to be dialed in.

I’ll be focused on hydrating – 3 L/day, carb loading with wholesome foods, and getting in some tapering workouts before Thursday. Throwing today. Two workouts tomorrow – explosive weights in the morning & a track workout in the evening. Wednesday will be an active recovery sprint session & throwing. I’ll also do a sport performance daily meditation every morning before work, review strategy & film, & prioritize sleep.
This is it, Union.

LFG. Get ’em.

Originally written August 25, 2019 as a private journal entry.

Sunday Morning of CUC 2019

10:30 AM, I’m at home on the balcony, sipping tea.

My body hurts & my spirits are challenged.

I had a restless sleep, my mind drifting to Ultimate & thinking about what more I could’ve done.
The first thing I felt after that universe quarters loss was disappointment – in myself.
I wish I played better, had more throws, ran harder, anticipated smarter, for my team.
I wish I saw our confidence & strong lead were slipping away and nipped it in the butt RIGHT THERE. I wish I was more knowledgeable in captaincy to do what the team needed in that moment. It brings tears to my eyes to know I let the team down, when they needed me the most. And I am so sorry for that.
But this Nationals coaxed the competitive fire in me that was struggling.
I had some big moments this week that surprised me. Some big layout bids & grinding hard on the field. I am fully capable of being an incredible player – I just have to get out of my own way.
So, Day 1 of post-season. I am going to continue training to prep for Harvest and possibly Team Canada tryouts. I am on an upswing and I have more to work on and prove.
I NEVER want to feel like I let my team down with who I am as a player. I want to be the best player & person I can be, for them.
Players who support me, pick me up, and challenge me to do better. Never satisfied.

I’m feeling a little melancholy now that the season is over. I was having a lot of fun with the team. This is a true ‘coming down’.

And here I am, focused on the next thing.
Wanting to scrap this icky feeling of dissatisfaction.

Study some Coaching Conference videos.
Post-season workouts.
Join Zen and MMV practices.
Keep throwing twice a week.
Do film review.

Let’s be the player you know you are at Harvest, and hopefully you get an invite to Team Canada tryouts.

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